This earth is my alter.
The clouds, the trees and the rocks are my gods.
Against a backdrop of purple blue sky and setting sun, I pray with the sound of my breath and the steady echo of my falling footsteps as I walk freely through the fields.
And as I listen closely to the whisper of the breeze and the sudden silence of the birds I realize that I already have all of the answers deep inside.
This is the summer I’ve met god.
This is the summer I’ve seen myself.
I’ve given in to beautiful imperfection. I’ve decided there is no time to pretend or to try to to want to be anything more than who I am.
Who am I not to follow my dreams? To listen to my heart? To fall in love with this one precious life I have?
Who am I not to dance and laugh and love every day?
When did I stop believing in magic and angels and think that life was about doing instead of just being?
There is such freedom in choosing to accept instead of fight. Such freedom in feeling instead of thinking.
This is the summer I met god. I had to slow down. I had to listen. I had to make the decision to accept myself and love myself just like god does. When I did this, I realized that god, the universe and my guardian angel have always loved me unconditionally, even when I hated myself. I saw that they had always been there walking with me through life and that I could give up control and simply trust in the three of them to lad me forward. I learned that I could let everything else, but what is, simply fall away from me and step into my new skin.
Since we’ve met, god comes to me every day and we talk and spend time together in silence.
My god is as vast as the universe, as solid as the ground beneath my feet and she lovingly wraps her guardian angel wings around me.
She says, fly sweet girl, fly. This is your time.
And so I do. Finding signs of her existence everywhere I look.
I find beautiful feathers at my feet and rocks shaped like hearts as I walk in the vineyards each morning. Signs for me to keep moving forward, to keep believing and to keep working on staying connected.
Each time I look up and I see a bird flying overhead, I’m reminded. Each time I take a deep breath in, I feel my ribcage spreading open like wings on my back, I know.
I’ve started looking at life from the inside out and in doing that, I’ve finally met myself.
And in meeting myself, I’ve met God.
Sometimes I think this is a sign that something is going to happen soon. Some sort of ending.
Because life is so utterly perfect right now.
How is it possible to wake up every morning only to fall in love with life over and over again? And to fall asleep at night feeling so complete?
After so many years of struggle, of feeling like I didn’t belong, of feeling like an outsider looking in, I suddenly see everything from the inside out. Each moment falling more deeply into myself. All of my senses are heightened and I feel a connection to everything that’s always been here.
What is it that has changed I ask over and over again?
I realize it’s simply me. And I realize that it’s not so much a change that has occurred but simply a letting go.
Of deciding to accept, to open up, to listen and to let everything else but what is, simply fall away.
I’ve starting looking at life from the inside out.
The summer I met god happened when I finally began to accept myself and to love myself and believe in my goodness. I truly knew that I was good and lovable deep down in my very core, no matter what and that this is my constant.
I saw that the universe, that god and my guardian angel loved me and accepted me exactly as I am and knew that to find peace with myself, I need to do the same.
I also realized that it had always been this way. That they had always been there by my side, walking with me through life and that I could finally give up control and trust in the three of them. In loving and accepting myself right now, I was also able to give up the need to be different from who I am and to celebrate my uniqueness and my life.
This earth is my alter.